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for all these years they sold us daydreams. i wanted to be an artist. i wanted to be an engineer. i wanted to start a business. i wanted to help people. now everything smells of sulfur, my chest hurts, and all that ever happened was that every day i was fucking pummelled into the ground, face in the mud, choking, humiliated, ruined.
no dignity for us, for me. nothing lavish, just basic human dignity. but no, for all of these years and years, all of these decades, all of these centuries, the rich, the governments, the powerful, they never gave us that. basic human dignity was something we had to EARN, not something we deserved. and they turned it into money. so that while millions sit in their coffers, all the rest of us beg for fucking scraps. we fucking claw over eachother, us writhing, defiled masses.
and what the worst part is - they award some of us a false sense of dignity. a false sense of security. you know what happens, when you came from the dregs of the world, or you see the dregs, you see the unwashed masses, and yet you - oh, lucky little you - get put on a pedastal? some get put on a pedestal - and given a false sense of security, a false sense of dignity. how is this done? well some of us fucking low-lifes, some of us not born into the correct monied lineage - some of us are allowed a fucking pittance. They call it an "education", they called it a "career", they call it "building a family", they call it "fame", they call it "status".
but the cruelest joke is that those of us who get any of it, we are no better off than any other fucking person. but we think that we are. NOW mind you, there are some fucking folks who don't have a pot to piss in. literally. there are some folks who starve in the streets. and i have been one of those fucking people. i have been on the street with nothing and nobody, and my digestive system still has not adjusted from those years of starving myself to stretch the little money i had. my muscles have still not recovered from the days of walking with a heavy backpack, sleeping on concrete and dirt. my adrenal glands have scars, my mind isn't right, from all those years of terror, of living on the brink, of facing death every week, from wanting to kill myself but having so little energy left in myself that i was reduced to a fucking animal - that i was reduced to such a state of fear for my own existence that the thought of self-annihilation became a luxury.
yes it gets to a point where the idea of killing yourself, you really feel is a fucking luxury. why? to want to kill my self, i would have to come to the realization that life isn't worth living. i would have to come to the realization that things would be better off dead. in order to come to that realization, i'd have to have a spare fucking second to think about it. but when you're poor, homeless, you have nothing, especially when you are the working poor, working multiple jobs, you don't have any time to think about shit like that. you have to think about the next thing that you can do to make yourself keep going. you just gotta keep going, getting from one moment to the next.
and with mental illness and all of this other shit, it gets harder to get from one moment to the next. after all of that experience, i ended up realizing i am not gonna die by my own fucking hand. because my hands will be full. when i die, it is gonna be a fucking heart attack, a stroke, some shit like that. i am gonna fucking die at the hand of this society, this government, this corporation we call a government. when i die, i like to imagine a world where every single fucking scumbag millionaire, every single fucking government official, is brought to court for involuntary manslaughter, and given the punishment of the death penalty. because while they sit on wealth, they do nothing about this world that is killing and torturing billions of human souls.
but what about these folks, the ones that get put up on a fucking pedastal? the ones who are still bringing in two or three racks a month from their job, the ones who got a spouse and kids, a house, an education. yeah. these people are fucking suckers. and i dont care how fucking loud they yell that they are on the Left, i dont care how hard they yell that they want to help, how hard they yell that they think the shit is an injustice. they dont put themselves up on a pedestal, but the thing is, they are still on one. they still have the things that society respects and says a person should have. yeah. so when you are in that position, you are on a pedestal. and you wont ever be able to not have some part in the back of your mind that knows it.
some people get on this pedestal and they abuse it. some people get on that pedestal and they say, ah, i want to make the world a better place. it doesn't matter. because in the end, we're all in the same boat. their pedestal is built on debt, built on precarious foundations. its not guarunteed to last them, and whether they know it or not that tiny pedestal they sit on is just as much a target to be swiped out from under them, as are the clothes off the backs, the crumbs off the table of us scumfucks just a few inches below.
the rich, the government, they kill us for fun and entertainment. they kill us and they think its funny. sometimes they even kill us and they call it self defense. sometimes they even kill us and call it justice.
i had a feeling today that i am going to die. i had a feeling Michael Brooks was gonna die. i had a feeling that my Aunt was gonna die. i had a feeling that my dads best friend was gonna die. i've had that feeling about some random people i never knew and never saw again.
i wanna say. i know when i die, that's the end of it all. i know when i die i wont float up into the clouds. but i just need to say that if i believed in that kinda thing, yeah, i'd float up into the clouds, and i would want to watch the Trials. i would want to watch the Law rewritten to avenge me. to avenge all of us folks who live in shit, who are dirt, while degenerate white scumbags sit on millions with their mansions. I want to see the Trials, and i want to see them recognize their fucking Crimes. and i want them to Pay a simple fucking price. I want to see them Sentenced to Death for their Crimes against Humanity. for depriving us all of basic human dignity. for kicking shit in all of our faces, pissing down on us all. yeah. I want to see to it that the Capitalist Thugs see their day in Court.
and let me say, i'm no anarchist. i am way fucking worse. i never said shit about assassinations. i am way fucking worse. i said i want this government to use its authority to provide Justice. I said i want This Government to be a government For The People, and against the Enemies of the People. Against the Capitalist Scum.
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